Right now I am sitting in my newly purchased rocking chair your dad and I picked out the other weekend, you are swaddled to my chest and Cat Power is playing “Sea of Love". I wish I could hold this moment in time for just a little longer, your heart on mine forever and ever Ramona. This is our birth story:

Thursday February 18th, I had my weekly doctor's appointment and as I was leaving she said, “Go ahead and schedule your appointment for next week, but I wouldn’t be surprised if things change.” I always knew you would come early, I was approaching 39 weeks. 

Sunday morning, I woke up at 6:30am to take Rocky out to go to the bathroom and felt like I wet my pants...turns out my water had ruptured or leaked. I waited a few hours before I decided to call the hospital. I was in bed finishing a deck for a client, and facetiming my sisters. The contractions or surges started to come, I called the hospital and spoke to the midwife; she gave me the go ahead to head to the hospital. I showered, packed my things, even put some make up on. Your dad was running around cleaning, packing, doing anything and everything for us to go to the hospital. We arrived at the hospital at around 11:30am, filled out some paperwork and proceeded to get checked by a nurse to confirm my water did rupture. I laid on the bed and as the nurse was setting up the monitors she was shocked to find out I was having contractions she said, “You look so calm I would have never guessed you were having contractions!” While Jonathan and I were waiting for the nurse to come back in with the test results from my swab, a rush of fluid came out of me, my water had officially broke, they did another test and it quickly came back as positive. The gushes of fluid just kept coming as they admitted us into what would be my birthing room.

We requested that the room be dimly lit, I hung my affirmations on the wall with my favorite one in a frame on my bedside; “You are brave and strong” it was a fortune cookie your dad had found and it officially became my mantra for birth. What was at the front of my mind though was my miscarriage that happened over a year ago. I almost felt like in a way I was dedicating this birth to that sweet baby I had lost. My miscarriage shaped everything about my pregnancy with you, I wanted nothing more than to provide a safe and happy home in my womb for you these last 9 months. I’m incredibly grateful that miscarriage happened as it provided me with so much strength and preparation for this pregnancy.

We had taken hypnobirthing classes leading up to my birthing day, it was taught by my lovely friend Hannah in New York. The class provided us tools like meditations, affirmations and breathing techniques to prep for labor. Hypnobirthing dispelled so many of the myths and inaccuracies surrounding a natural birth and empowered me to have the birth I wanted. I declined to have an IV, and elected to be monitored every so often but not have anything tied to me. I also requested that they not tell me how far along I was so that I could remain focused on my breathing. I was fortunate enough to have a nurse that also did hypnobirthing for her birth so she was very familiar with my requests and approach to my birth. 

After we set up the room, the midwife came in at around noon to inform us that if I wasn’t progressing by 6pm we might have to consider Pitocin. I immediately ignored her comment, the last thing I needed was fear to interfere with my birth, I trusted my body to do what it was supposed to. The surges came like waves in the ocean. I would take a deep breath in, close my eyes and let them pass. I would hum, sway and position my body differently as each one came. Jonathan supported me every step of the way, getting me water, holding me, feeding me my trail mix and other snacks. At one point I was eating saltine after saltine, it was the only thing I wanted aside from pretzels.

At around 6pm the nurse and midwife came to check my cervix, both of them smiling saying, “Are you sure you don’t want to know?” I said, “yes.” they said, “Well you are doing amazing, keep it up!” The surges were becoming stronger and stronger. My body started to rest at around 11pm and I began to sleep in between the surges, my hypnobirthing class taught to expect that, nonetheless the midwife did not like that my labor began to slow. She came in my room at midnight to suggest I take an epidural because I had been at 8cm for a while. I was incredibly tired and exhausted, I had been in labor for over 12 hours.I tiredly responded and I said, “ Well, I guess...I am really tired.” This choice went completely against my birth plan, but as they were getting the anesthesiologist to come, my body got a second wind and I started progressing again, my midwife came back in and said, “Wow, I guess all I had to do was threaten an epidural.”

During the night a new nurse came in, Catalina. She stuck with me throughout the last phase of my birth and I truly don’t know what I would have done without her. At points during my labor I couldn’t gather my breath and she held my hand and guided me through. At one point she told me, “okay on this one, just let it out!” and I would yell, I reminded myself of the moaning stray cats that surrounded my apartment in New York. Catalina would then bring me back to my breaths. As each surge came, I thought of anything that made me happy: my niece's funny face she always makes at me, I thought of every woman I knew that had a natural birth which provided me with a lot of strength. But as I fought my way through the last couple of hours, I thought of you Ramona, my sweet, sweet baby coming to me, I would get to see you soon. I would catch my breath and whisper, “I can do this” to the nurse and she would say, “Of course you can”. I just kept holding on to the nurses hand and saying, “Just tell me what I need to do, I’ll do it.” as she guided my breath.

At around 2am, Catalina suggested I receive what she referred to as a “wiff” of pitocin, I trusted her recommendation, the pitocin kicked in and the surges became incredibly intense, I had every urge to push but I couldn’t because my cervix hadn’t completely opened yet. I somehow had to just breathe through these strong urges to push. I was gripping onto the hospital bed hoping that eventually I could push soon. The midwife arrived and said, “You did it, you got to 10cm, let's push!” I was seated on the hospital bed, my legs hiked up in a stirrup position. It was now around 3am. They instructed me to take a deep breath of air, tuck my head and push for 10 seconds, I was unsuccessful the first few attempts, my body went into complete survival mode at this point I had been in labor for over 16 hours. Jonathan holding one leg, and Catalina holding the other they guided me through each breathe and each push, I gave it my all. The midwife would periodically come in to check my pushes and tell me “yes, yes that’s it, do it again, like that!” Finally, your head was emerging, I couldn’t believe it, everyone kept commenting on your full head of hair. It had been a total of 2 hours of pushing. The last couple of pushes hurt like hell, as the burning sensation began, I started to slow down but Catalina grabbed my hand and placed it on your head and said, “She’s here, now give me 2 more pushes!” and then you were here, you came out so quickly, the nurse called out, “5:15am!” Jonathan was overcome with emotion, as he cut your Umbilical cord. I was transported to a whole other universe, I couldn’t believe you were here. They immediately put you on my chest, your cries were quiet, the staff was surrounding me to try and get you to cry louder and louder but your cries remained the same. They asked if they could bring you over to the table and I said yes. I was not worried, I knew you were strong and that you would be okay. Your dad followed them to the table, holding your hand. I proceeded to talk to the midwife and nurse as they stitched up my tears. They discovered that you had swallowed meconium on your way out of the birth canal and needed to go to NICU. They brought you over to me one last time and I cried so many happy tears as you were placed in my arms for what was about a minute for a photo of us all together.

They took you to the NICU and my body felt like I had moved a mountain, my legs, arms, felt like heavy weights on me. I immediately fell asleep as the lights dimmed more and the nurses got my blanket and socks for my feet. I slept for a few hours while they got our room ready. I could barely walk as they wheelchaired me over to our room. Your dad was in the NICU with you as I got settled into our room. He arrived, just overcome with every type of emotion, he gave you a blessing as you laid in your NICU bed. The doctors and staff informed us you were doing well and everything would be okay. We decided to order breakfast. I got french toast and eggs. I still was on this high from labor, I just couldn’t believe what I had gone through physically, mentally and spiritually. I proceeded to text my closest friends and family and take a nap. I woke up and all I wanted was you, I slowly got myself out of bed and into the wheelchair as your dad and I headed to the NICU.

It was so hard to see you with all those wires hooked up to you, I just wanted to hold you but I reminded you that we were strong and we would be together soon. As the days passed you got better and better, you even ripped off your own oxygen cords. Wednesday, we were discharged from the hospital, and it was the strangest feeling leaving without you. I came back later that day to breastfeed you and hold you, the nurse informed me that most likely you would get to go home tomorrow. We arrived at the hospital Thursday morning and spent all day with you until your tests came back all positive, and you were officially discharged from the hospital. In hindsight, I am incredibly grateful for your stay there, being a new mom I really appreciated all of the guidance and advice from the nurses that tended to you. They all loved your sweet and calm demeanor.

Ramona, you are so magical, you make any day feel so totally worth it. I am profoundly humbled to be your mother, your light is so bright, thank you for coming to me.